And the award for Best Argued Case in a Pointless Role goes to… The Breakfast Conspiracy. You all know how sometimes I get an idea into my head which I don’t really believe much at all, but feel like arguing just for the sake of it (don’t look at me like that: I’m a lawyer, what do you expect?), and I end up really quite attached to the notion. Well, the most recent particularly well-articulated example is the aforementioned conspiracy, and I thought I’d share it with you here.

I don’t believe in breakfast. You see, far from being the most important meal of the day, breakfast doesn’t actually exist. Oh sure, that’s what they want you to believe, but in fact the truth is far more sinister. The name itself gives away the fact it is both a recent and artifcial construct; clearly one could not ‘break fast’ unless the norm involved a fast in the first place. So if our ancestors were able to function perfectly well without gorging themselves so early in the morning, how can it possibly be so important, let alone essential.

The question you must ask yourself is, “who benefits from this so called ‘break-fast’?” The answer is both transparent and unsurprising: the very corporations who designed this pseudo-meal. Yes, every time you eat a “breakfast” you pay towards these commercial giants, such as K.E.L.L.O.G.S. (Kill Everyone Living Logically with Our Great System) and N.E.S.T.L.É. (Nobody Eats Stuff To Live Efficiently) for the nutritionally questionable food you consume (they can’t even state cohesively whether it should consist of carbohydrate or fibre or fruit or just a mug of cow-juice…so naturally they produce them all and leave you, the confused and helpless consumer to decide!)

So is this highly organised long-term project solely a profiteering scam? If only it were. In fact these corporations are targeting no less a goal than world domination. How? Well, what may appear to be a simple meal is a carefully disguised ploy to control the masses. Waking groggy and dazed in the morning, immediately you are presented with this utterly unnecessary choice between dozens of cereals, toast, eggs (boiled, fried, scrambled or omelettes) and much more. This system is designed purely to confuse and reduce the functional efficiency of every human being on the planet – or rather – those human beings unaware of the conpsiracy.

In recent years some have come to realise that this extraneous meal is entirely unnecessary, forcing the corporations to adapt to this new threat in the form of the cereal bar. A carefully constructed product that is more convenient than the standard cereal but still attempts to confuse the consumer through the range of flavours and styles, along with “low fat” varieties as if this somehow makes eating this extra meal “healthy”.

So rise up, my friends, and join me and the other few enlightened in challenging the companies who claim to have brought you the most important meal of the day. Show them that we do not blindly eat at allocated times purely because that is what we have been told. Challenge the evil consortium of corporations. Boycott Breakfast!