director: Tom Green
starring: Tom Green, Rip Torn, Marisa Coughlan
running time: 87 mins
rating: 18

“Based on what I have heard today, I am required by law to notify the authorities.”


In one early scene our hero tries to pitch some of his drawings to a Hollywood exec (played by Anthony Michael Hall, one of the film’s more competent actors) who explains to him that he can see the characters but there’s no plot or jokes and it isn’t funny. Unfortunately, he’s not so much descrining the drawings as the entirity of this waste of celluloid, written by, directed and starring MTV’s Tom Green.

The story, in so much as there is one, revolves around Gord [Tom Green], a 28 year old failure who wants to be an animator. He finally moves out of home much to the delight of his dad [Rip Torn] but soon returns after failing to strike it big in Hollywood. The rest is a series of pointless and generally unlinked scenes that revolve around vulgar images and Tom Green pulling stretched faces and meeting his disabled girlfriend [Marisa Coughlan] who manages cheerfully to outperform him at his own senseless game.

This is without doubt the most pathetic insult of a film I have ever sat through. I enjoy a fairly wide variety of humour and can still appreciate the good side to most of the comedies I dislike (see the majority of Adam Sandler’s or Ben Stiller’s work). Frankly American Pie looks like high-brow storytelling in comparison to this assinine trash where one scene has Freddy jump out of his car to masturbate a horse in a field for no apparent reason. And just count yourself lucky they spared you the six minutes of footage they shot of him sucking milk from a cow.

Writing about it without resorting to a string of expletive-filled insults is almost as much a test of patience as watching the film itself. The only thing that made it bearable is that at least I now know what a zero-star film looks like. In short this film is about as funny as incestuous child molestation (which, incidentally, it seems to think is hilarious).