I apathetically glimpsed (or failed to leave the room) the start of another round of “Celebrity” Big Brother, the fifth such affair I am told. The crowd of non-celebrities wanes in stature with each attempt with the highlights this year being H from Steps and Jo from S Club. Their presence is interesting as a scientific curiosity alone, since it had previously been conjectured that for members of both bands to inhabit the same room at once would cause a rift in time and space (a “Big Cheese”) with potentially cataclysmic consequences. I suppose Big Brother probably counts. In fairness I would consider Jermaine Jackson of the Jackson 5 and Dirk Benedict of the A-Team worthy of the now nominally requisite celebration had they actually done anything in the past two decades. But they haven’t.

You may be wondering why I am discussing all this when I clearly have no interest in how this televisual “event” unfolds. I merely have a humble suggestion for your approval. Why not take Pete Doherty and dump him in the Big Brother house, then deny him access to drugs, forcing him to detox live. Now that’s something I’d happily watch, and it might even steer the nation’s youth away from cocaine at the same time. I’m all for good, wholesome programming. Consent is not an issue; you could even kidnap him — it’s not like he would remember whether or not he had agreed to it. I can only hope some studio lackey stumbles upon this entry before the inevitable 6th attempt…