Reeltime posts are not regular reviews but real-time commentary posted whilst watching the film. You can follow live or read the archived post at the end.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:01 pm

“I’m not allowed to use magic outside of school” in the opening lines sounds like the biggest foreshadowing ever.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:04 pm
Dobby is a low-rent Yoda with self-esteem issues and marginally better grammar.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:06 pm
“Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts.”
So when Mr Dursley says it everyone hates him; when Dobby says it everyone loves him.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:09 pm
Dobby may have been doing everyone a favour by destroying that cake.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:10 pm
Three magically-trained students couldn’t come up with a subtler plan for a break-out than a flying car in the suburbs?

|[P]| 18 July 20178:14 pm

How sheltered is the wizarding community not to be able to find out basic things about the rest of humanity like what a “rubber duck” is? Wizards presumably take baths, right? Did their culture emerge wholly independently?

|[P]| 18 July 20178:17 pm so different that they don’t flood Diagon Alley for the Back to School sales.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:19 pm, a serious Malfoy. Lucius is going to steal every scene he’s in, isn’t he?

|[P]| 18 July 20178:20 pm

Are we supposed to be shocked by his overt racist attitudes about consorting with Muggles when pretty much every other wizard has been making snide comments about them?

|[P]| 18 July 20178:23 pm

A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Except when he’s late.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:24 pm, admittedly a flying car in King’s Cross is significantly worse than in the suburbs.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:25 pm

Although Londoners are so jaded I doubt there would actually have been that much of a reaction.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:28 pm’ve got to get this car up to 88 miles per hour!

|[P]| 18 July 20178:29 pm
Herbie is pissed off. I don’t blame him.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:31 pm
Earmuffs and baby mandrakes. That’s almost health and safety consideration! Professor Sprout might be joining the competent staff list.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:31 pm

…until Neville faints and the response is “oh, just leave him there.”

|[P]| 18 July 20178:32 pm

“Grab your mandrake and pull”. Errr… I have entirely new concerns about this school.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:33 pm
Look at Mr Ornithology here! How did he recognise Ron’s owl from the other side of that giant hall?!

|[P]| 18 July 20178:35 pm
Brannagh is basically doing Lord Flashheart via Shakespeare.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:38 pm
Neville is 2 for 2. “Why’s it always me?” Because puberty will be so much more impressive when it hits this way.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:40 pm

Wait, so “Mudblood” is completely unacceptable but Muggle is fine? In fact, the only reason they view Mudblood as insulting is because they think Muggle blood is inherently inferior to that of a wizard. You’re insulted because you’re a bigot. I struggle to sympathise.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:42 pm
Harry’s taking potential schizophrenia very much in stride here.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:43 pm
Why is Hermione so familiar with what blood writing looks like?

|[P]| 18 July 20178:45 pm

“I strongly recommend caution to all.” Really, Dumbledore? Just this year? How is that not the school motto already?

|[P]| 18 July 20178:49 pm
I prefer Ron’s cup. The other one could be made by regular means without unnecessarily destroying a rat. This one requires magic. And a rat.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:50 pm

“Do you think there really is a Chamber of Secrets?” Because in a wizarding school with shifting staircases, the idea of a hidden room is blowing Ron’s mind?

|[P]| 18 July 20178:53 pm

Quidditch feels decidedly less compelling the second time round. Does the choreography improve in later films?

|[P]| 18 July 20178:56 pm
Malfoy’s trash talk needs work.

“You’ll never catch me, Potter!” He’s doesn’t have to. He just has to catch the Snitch.

|[P]| 18 July 20178:58 pm
I suppose the ease with which they can fix major injuries does somewhat justify the callousness toward safety. Except when it can kill you.

|[P]| 18 July 20179:00 pm
“Terrible things are about to happen at Hogwarts.” Well yeah, that’s what we’re all here for, right?

|[P]| 18 July 20179:02 pm
“Hogwarts is no longer safe.” Errr….

|[P]| 18 July 20179:03 pm
Two boys and a girl “making potions” in the girls’ bathroom? That would definitely have gotten us in some pretty serious trouble at school…

|[P]| 18 July 20179:05 pm
“For full details, see my published works.” He’s growing on me – I can’t wait ’til I can use that line.

|[P]| 18 July 20179:10 pm

Kids are always really suspicious of other kids who speak foreign languages at first. Harry, just teach them some swear words in parseltongue and you’ll be golden.

|[P]| 18 July 20179:11 pm
Sherbert Lemon is the password to get into Dumbledore’s office?

|[P]| 18 July 20179:21 pm

Apologies. We’re taking a five minute break to resolve some technical issues with the liveblog. Stay tuned!

|[P]| 18 July 20179:29 pm
And, like my namesake bird, we’re back!

|[P]| 18 July 20179:30 pm

I think my PC may have objected to watching Crabb and Goyle flavoured polyjuice potions being consumed.

|[P]| 18 July 20179:31 pm

Does the polyjuice potion not affect internal organs like vocal chords?

|[P]| 18 July 20179:34 pm
Monologuing Malfoy clearly hasn’t heard “show, don’t tell.”

|[P]| 18 July 20179:36 pm
Oh dear, Hermione furry fic is definitely a thing online, isn’t it?

|[P]| 18 July 20179:41 pm villains are the new climactic chess battles.

|[P]| 18 July 20179:43 pm

The camerawork has actually improved a bit even if the direction has not.

|[P]| 18 July 20179:44 pm
“Mad and hairy”? These days I’m more trained to think he must be an excellent chef.

|[P]| 18 July 20179:46 pm

“It must have been a Gryffindor. No one else knows our password!” A quarter of the school are Gryffindors and you think it will stay a secret? Have you at least considered multifactor authentication?

|[P]| 18 July 20179:48 pm

A warning that school might get closed without a bunch of kids erupting into cheering? This film is really stretching my suspension of disbelief.

|[P]| 18 July 20179:50 pm
Yep, still stealing every scene.

|[P]| 18 July 20179:54 pm

“Follow the spiders…” Oh yes, allegedly Aragog was the reason that the Lord of the Rings films pushed Shelob back to Return of the King, given how close together Chamber of Secrets and The Two Towers were released. It would be unfair to compare the quality of their effects…

|[P]| 18 July 20179:57 pm

Oh that’s clever. Having a whole load of eyes, spiders would be particularly susceptible to petrification.

|[P]| 18 July 20179:58 pm
Herbie Rides Again!

|[P]| 18 July 201710:01 pm

I’m impressed that they managed to create a charge of giant spiders that was creepy without being utterly terrifying to kids.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:03 pm
No one checked a student patient’s hand? I take back what I said about Hogwarts’ healthcare.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:04 pm
Fantastic Beast: Basilisk
Where to Find It: The Chamber of Secrets

Harry Potter and the Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

|[P]| 18 July 201710:06 pm
“Books can be misleading!” Wait, this isn’t a documentary?

|[P]| 18 July 201710:08 pm
Moaning Myrtle’s voice…

|[P]| 18 July 201710:09 pm

…it’s Queenie!

|[P]| 18 July 201710:11 pm

See, if wizards weren’t so detached from Muggle culture they’d know about Perseus and would have taken a mirrored shield down with them.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:13 pm
Ah, it’s Indiana Jones and the Chamber of Secrets.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:15 pm
Why would you hide this?! Why would you not make it your (evil, evil) office.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:16 pm
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Harry.” T.O.M. 9000.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:19 pm
What a twat! Who does a reveal by writing floating text a letter at a time?!

|[P]| 18 July 201710:22 pm

And this is why you always keep a Phoenix around. You’re welcome.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:24 pm

“You may have blinded the basilisk. But he can still hear you!” Riddle hasn’t heard “show, don’t tell” either, it seems. As a climax, this fight really isn’t one. Bring back the spiders…

|[P]| 18 July 201710:26 pm
Okay, stabbing the book with the basilisk fang is actually pretty swift creative thinking from the Boy Wizard.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:28 pm
I can’t promise healing powers in my tears. Just salt.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:29 pm
Least convincing fake punishment speech ever.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:32 pm

Ahh, Voldemort transferred power to Harry when he attacked him. I guess that’s going to be pretty crucial later in the series…

|[P]| 18 July 201710:33 pm
“It is not our abilities that make us who we are. It is our choices.”

|[P]| 18 July 201710:35 pm
“My sole concern has always been, and will always be, the welfare of this school and, of course, its students.”
Aside from the fact he’s obviously lying through his teeth, its nice to think someone has the students’ welfare at heart.
Also, dude nails his dramatic lighting.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:38 pm
Oh alright, you get points for that, Dobby.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:40 pm
Awkward grins and hugging time! It’s a shame Hermione was taken out for the whole of the climax, even if she solved the puzzle that we never really saw.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:41 pm

Cancelling exams as a treat? Ofsted are going to love this. The purpose of exams isn’t to punish the kids.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:42 pm
Oh dear. Is this how we’re closing the film?

|[P]| 18 July 201710:43 pm

I suppose it’s about as awkward as the medal ceremony at the end of Star Wars: A New Hope.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:48 pm

Overall, I’d say actually a fraction better than the first film, but incremental improvements as everyone involved settles into their roles. I am now legitimately quite excited to hit the “real” films as I have heard from a number of you that watching Years 3 to 7 tends to be the consensus approach on rewatching them.

|[P]| 18 July 201710:49 pm

Thanks for the messages from those who joined live tonight. And that’s a wrap on Year 2!